Surviving Quarantine: A Beginner’s Guide to Talking to Houseplants


1. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
   Because he was outstanding in his field… six feet away from everyone!

2. I told my wife I was going to make a quarantine joke. She said, “Don’t you dare!” I said, “Are you ready? You          won’t be able to resist!” She sighed and said, “Fine, what is it?” I replied, “Never mind, it’s an inside joke.”

3. Why don’t scientists trust atoms during quarantine?
    Because they make up everything!

4. My dog told me a great quarantine joke…
    but I’ll spare you the tail.

5. I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.
    She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”

6. Why don’t we ever play hide and seek with mountains during quarantine?
    Because they always peak!

7. I decided to make a quarantine-themed playlist.
    It has songs like “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” and “Every Breath You Take.”

8. What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany?
    The wurst käse scenario.

9. I asked the cashier at the grocery store why people were panic-buying so much toilet paper. She said, “Beats        me, it’s really wiping me out.”

10. You know you’re bored during quarantine when you start organizing your snacks by